First world problems are still a motherfucker.

There is a personal sized pool in my back yard.  It is super small and takes up 85% of the whole yard. No grass, no dirt.  There are beautiful tropical plants surrounding it in the spring/summer/fall months.  Around Halloween I put all of the plants in storage.  There really isn’t a “fall” in Texas.  I just use Halloween as the guideline to bring in the plants.

So, it’s December.  The back yard is bare, naked and sad.  The pool is full of fucking leaves.  We don’t even have a tree!  There isn’t a single tree in the backyard and the pool is fucking full of leaves.  They cover the bottom, the stairs, and float on top.  I have no idea where they come from.  Obviously from trees, smartass, but whose trees?  Not mine.  That’s for fucking sure.

Sweet husband bitches and whines about cleaning the pool.  All the time.  It’s true he is the only one who ever cleans the pool.  Just like I’m the only one who ever does the laundry or cleans the floors.  It’s just become his job by default.  Still he rants and raves about filling the pool with concrete or moving to a house without a pool.  NOT an option by the way-I tan on a float covered in oil and I’m not sorry.  Yes, I know that I’ll wrinkle and die of cancer.  It’s what I like so leave me alone.  So he’s King Baby all the time about cleaning out the pool.  It gets old.

The whole family has been under tons of stress lately.  TONS.  I’ve been  trying to be a sweet wife (stop laughing) and I’ve gone out several times and cleaned the pool.  This is gross.  Leaves turn into slimy poison in there.  It’s nasty.  There is a pool sweeper thing.  I named it “Alphonso” because anything that climbs my leg should at least have a name.  Alphonso is a dick.  The hose is permanently bent and he wraps himself in a corner where he is worthless.  When he’s not stuck in a corner, he’s trapped himself on the stairs and is hosing down the back door.  So that you get soaked just trying to help the little bastard.  He’s a total douche nugget.  He doesn’t pick up any leaves because he’s too busy humping the corner or blasting the door and windows with water.  Total.Assface.For real.

Yesterday was actually a pretty good day until I tried to be nice.  No good deed goes unpunished. I went out to the pool to untangle Alphonso from his corner.  I got the long scrubby brush thing and swept the leaves in the bottom of the pool to the center.  The leaves hide in the other corners of the pool because they know Alphonso won’t go over there.  It is like calling “Base” for leaves.  So I’ve got Alphonso rolling around the pool sucking up leaves.  This is totally by accident because he was just on his way to the corner to tangle up again.  I was prepared for that move, with the long scrubby brush thing, and  reached across and blocked him.  Score one for me!  He then rolls around the pool again, accidentally sucking up leaves, on his way to trapping himself on the steps.  Long scrubby brush to the rescue again!  I was totally winning.  I knocked that bastard off the stairs several times making him roll around over leaves.  He kept coming back to the stairs. He really wanted to piss on the door.  Wanted it bad.

I’m sure that to the average viewer I looked like Steve Irwin molesting a crocodile.  I was poking Alphonso with the brush thing and he kept making his loop around and coming back.  I then made the fatal error.  I forgot the cardinal rule about going out to fuck with the pool.  Don’t you know that the next splash I heard was my phone, falling from my sweatshirt pocket, straight to the bottom.

It was amazing how fast that thing went down.  Like it was lead or something.  At the bottom of the steps. Not one of the 2 that I could have reached.  No, all the way to the bottom.  So I, with ninja like reflexes, start to try to sweep it with the brush thingy up the steps.  Nope, won’t go up.

So, in December, I strip naked in my backyard and walk down the steps of the pool to retrieve my damn phone.  It was too cold once it got to my chubby tummy, so I’m trying to pick it up with my monkey toes.  By this time the sweet husband has figured out something is up (naked is his best clue) and he’s giggling at the door.  You know how people ask moronic rhetorical questions that you feel the need to answer?  Like “What are you doing?”  “Why are you naked?”  “How come you are in the pool?”  I’m less than gentle when I ask for him to shut the fuck up and get me a fucking towel.  That works well.

This shit is NOT funny.  And I was pissed.

The good news is that this is Texas and it’s been in the upper 70’s all week.  It wasn’t that warm in the pool, but it could have been a hell of a lot worse.

The bad news is that I got a new phone in May and am not eligible for an upgrade.  And no I don’t spend the extra money on insurance for my phone.  Because I’m an idiot, OK?

So, now it’s Sunday and I can’t go and spend all of the holiday shopping money on getting a new phone until noon.  Because the world doesn’t want me to be happy.

I know, really.  Boo FUCKING Hoo, you dropped your iPhone in your swimming pool.  It sounds awful and there are gazillions of people with real problems out there.  THIS, however, is my problem today and I’m going to piss and moan about it.


PS- I would love to post a photo of Alphonso.  Guess why I can’t?  My phone is my camera!

PSS- I tried leaving it in a bag of rice, like it said to do out on the internets- didn’t work.


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